Tag Archives: marriage

Life, Loss, And Human Connection


We all experience loss in varying degrees throughout our lives.  Sometimes we lose a person.  Sometimes it is someone of remarkable significance to our lives.  Sometimes we lose our idea of a person.  Sometimes we lose someone while they are still living.  Sometimes we lose a person before they have a chance to be born.  Sometimes death snatches someone from our grasp.

Sometimes we lose something.  Something truly meaningful to us- a job, a relationship, a marriage, a family, a home.  We may lose our faith in ourselves or our confidence in others.  We may lose our affection for someone.  Someone may lose fondness for us.  Sometimes we lose our possessions, our good health, an opportunity, or a skill.  Sometimes we grieve the loss of another’s good opinion, a phase of life, or a particular situation.  We may lose our dignity to abuse.  Sometimes, in the wake of trauma, a piece of our history is lost to us.  In reaction to grief, we may lose a part of ourselves.

No matter.  Loss is Loss.  And in some form, each and every loss affects us.  Our losses affect us at differing levels, on any given day, for as long as we live.  This is true whether or not we can identify the trouble or admit to it.

Sometimes the pain surrounding our loss is evident to all.  It’s conspicuous and loud- maybe even obnoxious.  Sometimes our grief is quiet and obvious to few.  Sometimes we suffer in silence.  Other times we let it all hang out.  But we all suffer.  No one makes this journey without loss.  Without grief.  Without the change that loss entails.

We are in this life together- inextricably intertwined- if only in our minds, our memories.  Our journey’s are our own; and yet we pass one another, we bump into one another, converge at various points along the road.  We’re often gathered at intersections or stopped together in traffic.  Sometimes we are involved in the parade and other times we’re held up by it.  Sometimes we are forced to view an accident.  Sometimes we find ourselves in the middle of the wreck.  We may realize we instigated a pile-up.  We can accept the truth of our relatedness or not.  We can like it or not, we can cooperate with healing or not, but nothing can alter the fact of our wondrous interconnectedness.

The best that we can do is to be patient with one another and ourselves, and to be kind.  We can be committed to honesty, to listening, and to being present.  We can own our mistakes- time and again if necessary.  We can seek forgiveness and we can be forgiving.  We can offer grace- allowing new opportunities for growth.  In Christ, we can practice genuine humility and real compassion.  In Him, we can love in the truest sense.

Copyright 2024.   L.L. Shelton.

A Letter To My Daughters

My Precious Daughters,

Understand that as a Follower of Jesus your life is not your own, rather it belongs to Him, to your First Love.  In the garden, Eve took her eyes off her First Love for an instant and was mesmerized by evil.  Darkness personified suggested that she could be not only her own head, needing the leadership of herself alone, but that she could manage the responsibilities of God! She fell for the ploy and the fall has been lengthy and beyond challenging.  May I suggest that you begin your journey in Christ by determining to forsake marriage and remain single for the love of Christ alone, or by determining to marry a man who loves Jesus Christ?

Waiting for a boy to grow into a man may be long and difficult.  Waiting for a man to learn the unselfishness of God will take a life time.  Waiting for a young man to become a Christian may be an altogether fruitless endeavor.  The simplest method for ensuring that you are less likely to be joined to an Unbeliever is to set a standard for your romantic life.  For example:  I will not date at all, or I will date only those young men who profess Christ.

I’m sure the decision to remain single in Jesus and for the sake of the gospel, has its own very great rewards, and there are those faithful to this decision and lifestyle who may be of aid to you, should you take this path.  However, I am familiar with the sacrement of marriage.  Marriage is the most beautiful illustration of sacrifice and joy because when done with pure intention; it imitates the sacrifice of God in Christ.  It is a picture of our relationship to Christ, highlighting the sacrifice He made, loving us while we were unlovable, and the blessing and joy He received and receives continually in an everlasting flow as a result.  Christ sits at God’s right hand enjoying Him forever!

Your children, should you receive the blessing of children, will be most greatly affected by your choices in the area of who you consider a contender for the prize of your heart.  They will benefit and suffer in large part due to the relationship you choose to form in marriage.  These effects will come about as a natural consequence of the design intended by the Creator.  You may attempt to use the system in a way that is inconsistent with its design but in return you will miss the consistent blessing of the  fruit of obedience.  Life is difficult in a fallen world, without the intended blessing it can be unbearable, not for you only but also for your children and grandchildren and their children.

Christian devotion and concern for family requires diligence and sacrifice beyond our merely human strength and regularly employs the Holy Spirit of God in Christ; as we ourselves are occasionally difficult to love, so our husbands and our children, and all within our sphere of influence will be.  And yet it is our mandate to love each one well.  And if you are able to love each one well, according to God’s definition of love;  not perfectly, but well, you will meet with God’s idea of success.

Still, the success you achieve within your own family will not necessarily follow in the world outside your family circle and the circle of the true church.  The organized church will be a place of like-minded Believers and fellows in the faith for the most part, but even here you will find some imposters.  There will be some within its walls who serve darkness.  The world will certainly not be without flaw.  And the world will challenge all, including those who have grown up under your leadership, and should you marry, under the leadership of your devoted husband as well.  Only each one’s personal relationship with Christ will keep him or her safe from evil.  We live within a system marred by sin and hatred for what is right and true.  Humans are broken and can only be fixed by God in Christ Jesus.

But in the midst of all, you can find rest knowing that keeping your own eyes on Jesus, you faithfully honored and served your God, and that you led by loving example and tender heart toward those you touched, and that while imperfect, you were an example of His servant leadership to those within your sphere of influence, ever hopeful that each one would receive Jesus Christ as his or her personal Lord and Savior.  It is the best that any woman can do.

I love you ever and always,

Mother

Brief Thoughts on Marriage


To begin:  There is only ONE good reason for getting married and for having children, and it is:  Because GOD wants you to do it.  And if it is HE wanting you to do it; it is because He wants you to be a part of what HE is building. He wants you to be a part of illustrating HIS story to a watching world. God desires for you to be a part of LOVE as defined by Him.

Don’t allow yourself to enter these arenas, the building of marriage and family, at the persuasion of any other than God in Christ, or without reading His Word and getting whatever grasp upon this that your maturity and His patience allow to you. These are not institutions for the faint of heart and will never withstand the difficulties that come along with them unless built upon a proper foundation. Marriage and family belong to Him. They are His design and He has said that they must be structured upon Him, upon the principles set forth in His Word, to be successful.  And the terms for success in marriage must be and are determined by its Creator.

Maybe you have entered into these things lightly and without a proper amount of forethought. It is not too late. You must pray for GOD to make your partner willing and as He does this, the two of you begin (together in Christ) to tear down the old relationship and to start anew on the correct foundation. Seek out an older married couple in whom you see Christ (in other words, you observe them living together according to the principles set forth in The Bible for the living out of their shared faith). Approach them and directly ask for their active guidance and participation in your lives. If resources allow, find a Biblical counselor to assist you in building this new platform for your marriage.

Another issue may be that your partner remains unwilling to consider Christ. In this case, you must continue in earnest prayer, gentleness, and good will toward your spouse until such time as God releases you from the relationship, and you are free to start again; and this must be done with the greatest caution for two primary reasons.  The first is that you must try with all your will to NOT push your partner away from either yourself or God in the hope that the other will leave soon. This happens often in such a case and is regularly realized only when an experienced helper points out to the Christian in the marriage that this is indeed what that one is doing. The second reason is that you are quite liable to abandon the frying pan in favor of the fire, unless you have spent an adequate amount of time in the judicious study of Holy Scripture concerning the Way of Life of a Christian in order that you may more easily recognize a fraud should there be opportunity for a next time around.

Paul reminds us in a letter to the early church that it is better not to marry at all than to enter the covenant casually.  It is a choice open to the Christian to remain single and serve GOD fully from that position, rather than serving Him from the position of marriage.  However, for God’s saved child, there is no choice as to serve or not to serve, and if your heart is completely without reservation His own; you will be compelled to serve despite your finest efforts to the contrary.  (The difficulties and delights specifically associated with the Christian’s choice to remain single are beyond the scope of this short essay.)

In the end, I don’t wish to leave the impression that there are no joys associated with marriage but only trials, as that would be wholly untrue.  There are multiple blessings to be had within the marriage relationship- true friendship, God’s allowance to fully know and to be fully known by another human being- to completely relate to another person, children within God’s favor and under the protection of a legitimate bond.  I count it a great privilege to enjoy many of the wonders of marriage.

Now,  in this day of much confusion concerning marriage and family, I implore you to search God’s Word for yourself to find that these very things that I tell you are true. And may The Lord God of All bless your every effort!

Signposts: How Churches Can Minister to the Divorced

Copyright 2016.  L.L. Shelton

Brief Thoughts Regarding Human Sexuality

(An Addendum to, Brief Thoughts of Love)

My Young Friend,

Each of us is composed of both physicality- our body and the stuff therein, and of a soul or spirit- the eternal self; that was a thought in the mind of God before our physical existence and destined to continue long after our body has perished. We are each in possession of a mind- emotion and intellect (albeit there are varying degrees of functionality among them) and along life’s way we each develop a personality and a sexuality, both a reflection of a deeper development- that of character. Character is the essence of who you are; it is your nature. These things are inextricably intertwined until the day of physical death. Until then, one can not function apart from the other and each is connected to and affected by the other. This is a terrifically complicated and marvelous design.

God has created our sexuality specifically to allow for and to encourage the most intimate level of communication in relationship that two people and their Heavenly Father can together experience. He designed this aspect of the system to lend us the ability to procreate and to grant us the capability of relating in a way that is illustrative of that way in which The Trinity relates, and of the way in which God in Christ relates to His people. Also, it is to be a reward unique to the covenant marriage of a man and a woman in the Presence of God.  It may be startling to consider that God is a part of the expression of one’s sexuality, and yet it should be obvious. God is all-powerful, all-knowing, and everywhere at once. As Christians, we are promised that His Holy Spirit lives in us- all the time. Our God does not slumber or sleep, rather He carefully watches over us continually.

However, because we are living in the contaminated environments of the earth and of our own fleshly bodies, we are apt to the perversion of our sexualities. Though there are myriad natural consequences as a result of expressing one’s sexuality outside of the one relationship for which it was designed, and those consequences are always spiritually degrading, often emotionally detrimental, and many times physically debilitating; still we are highly likely to misuse this aspect of ourselves, and yet Christ insists that we are to strive for sexual purity.

Interestingly, Christ is apparently unconcerned with the technicalities of things surrounding human sexuality; things such as whether or not a person should date at this age or that, whether a kiss is sexual or not, or that a person refrain from intercourse until marriage. It is possible that I have, again, startled you. I mean to convey that Christ’s concern is for something infinitely greater- our sexual purity; and sexual purity has its roots in the imagination. It is in our imaginations that He desires to reign supreme. Pure sexuality begins in the thought life and can never be achieved apart from it.

Sexual purity is maintained through the constant effort to view God, ourselves, and others appropriately, as living beings valued beyond price, worthy of sacrificial love; as opposed to objects to be used and abused according to our whims or our erroneous desires.

In God’s economy, there is truly no need for such deliberations as whether or not to hold hands on the first date; as He has in Christ surely freed us from endless and  rigorous  contemplations of the nature of “angels on the head of a pin” rather, God has allowed for us to be (in Him) all that we can be!

In His Love,
An Old Friend

See Psalm 51, Matthew 19, Mark 7

Copyright, 2012. L.L. Shelton